What It Means to Love You Now

Someone once explained memories as light skipping through the trees as you look out the window of your car on a long drive— with little glimpses of their face flashing in our minds.

Andy, I see your smile, your cute dance, you sitting on the couch playing guitar, as if an old movie reel plays in my head, skipping abruptly to the next scene. I see the bad parts too, the horrors of that night. But I try to push those out and replace them with the warmth of your smile, the warmth in your hugs. I play home made videos with you and they bring me so much comfort and so much pain.

To laugh with tears in my eyes, to cry while smiling, that is what it means to love you now. To love you is to feel pain, because we know we must live the rest of our days without you. We honor you in our missing of you. Our missing you IS our love for you. The pain has become sewn into our being. Your ghost lingers in our minds, our hearts, our memories.

We are lucky to love you so much we cry and laugh while we reflect on our memories. Our sadness and our joy in loving you are so wholly intertwined. The love I feel for you that once brought me so much joy and comfort, now brings searing, stabbing pain. I wish you could go back and undo what you did. That we could’ve seen your pain more clearly. That you could have sought the help I begged you to find. But we can’t change the past, nor should we dwell in the days past. We must forge on in this new world that is less bright without your light. We will never make new memories with you or revel in your success because you robbed yourself of a future. You lost the greatest gift we have on this earth, time. And we lost parts of our heart.

We didn’t lose them all at once. We lose parts everyday. As events come and go that you should be a part of, we lose a little piece of our heart. As your birthday (actually, “our”, since we have the same birthday) comes and goes without you here, another part of our heart is ripped from us. As a trip we planned to take together passes, another part is taken. As our wedding date approaches, yet another part is seared away. It’s easy to feel as if parts will continue to be taken until there’s nothing left. But we must remember to honor you by creating new memories. By telling stories of you and keeping your spirit alive by loving nature the way you did. By continuing the business we worked side by side to create. By keeping your work alive in my future work. By celebrating you and your accomplishments at every turn.

We must go on and look to the future, all while keeping our deep love for you at the forefront of our hearts. I love you. I miss you. Forever yours, Always.

Published by katiepine0829

I’m Katie! I grew up in Palm Springs and moved to Northern California (Folsom) in 2004. I’m a photographer, nanny, a nature lover, indoor rock climber, hiker, bereaved fiancé, Ankylosing Spondylitis warrior, and I’ve decided to go back to school to become a therapist. This is my journey to health, healing, and hope after I lost my fiancé to Suicide.

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